The story behind "Repentance"

"I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Luke 5:32

"For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death." 2 Corinthians 7:10

On December 2'nd, 2008, 04:43 AM, I downloaded the second part of a sermon series by Paul Washer (True Gospel Series). I was feeling depressed and anxious and I had not slept at all the previous night. It was still dark, everyone else was asleep, and I was bored out of my mind. I thought that I might as well listen to the rest of this series I started a week earlier, there was nothing better to do anyway.

I sat at my computer and started listening. Tears began to stream down my face. I sketched the picture on the right with shaking hands before I broke down. I had never before in my life cried for anyone other than myself, I have a callous and cold heart. But for the very first time that night I cried for Jesus; because that night He regenerated my heart and He saved me.

Some people might think when they look at my life, being raised as a homeschooled evangelical Christian and acting the part perfectly, that I was probably saved beforehand but just never realized the love of God as fully before.

After all, I seemed like a good Christian. I wore conservative clothing, tried to obey my parents, never watched TV, was vehemently opposed to all things anti-God, criticized my friends for doing 'worldly' things, prayed like no one else did, I was fanatic about evangelism; and I was so sure I was saved, so sure I loved God, in fact I had more assurance of my salvation than anyone else I knew.

But now I am sure I would have gone to hell if I would have died at any time during those 18 hypocritical years I lived. Before that moment on December 2'nd, 2008, I had never once loved Jesus. Before that moment every thought I had about Jesus filled with hatred. I acted like a Christian, but I had really created a 'god' in my own mind that I worshiped rather than Jesus Christ. And whenever people spoke about the true God and the attributes of the true God I became very angry.

The following is what I wrote in my journal one week before I got saved. I was embittered and furious at people who talk about the love of God; I didn't understand it, I tried to play along but it didn't work. And because it 'didn't work' for me I assumed they must by lying.

"People are always saying stupid things to me like, "Oh Allison it's OK, you don't have to worry, GOD IS LOVE!! See, that makes it all better doesn't it?? Doesn't that make it all better, Allison?? Why doesn't that make it all better?? You are a Christian aren't you??" AND I BOUGHT INTO IT. I acted like that!! The apex of all meaning in everything I ever created was a pile of half-morals with a GOD IS LOVE stamped on top with big, self-important letters. I told MYSELF those things BECAUSE I BELIEVED IT WOULD MAKE IT ALL BETTER. And it was HELL. The thing toted to be the end all of emotional problems and the ultimate meaning of EVERYTHING in the universe DIDN'T HELP ME."

I then went on to blame all my spiritual problems on people who got "emotional about Jesus". I hated them. This is what I thought about Jesus and whose who loved Him:

"EMOTIONALISM!! It's EMOTIONALISM! IT's the liberal mindset SINKING INTO EVERY ASPECT OF THE CHURCH and it almost TURNED ME FROM GOD. The whole time I desired a tougher God and I HATED. I absolutely HATED the squishy in the church. I thought it was foolishness and weakness and womanishness but I was ASHAMED of hating it because IT WAS CHURCH STUFF YOU CAN'T HATE CHURCH STUFF. But I HATE it more than ever now!! I hate it because it's turning people bitter towards God and against God because the God THEY are toting around is FOOLISHNESS. It is a IDOL. "

The "squishy in the church" was the TRUE teaching about Jesus Christ. I had just called the cross "foolishness" and my Savior an "idol". I had created a 'god' in my own mind that I worshiped and I thought was real, and so of course everyone else was wrong. And that 'god' would never by gentle or merciful or loving. But that was OK, because I believed that I was a 'good person' and wouldn't have to worry about that.

I was not saved and I deserved to go to hell for the blasphemies I committed against the one true living God. It terrifies me to think of how I was before.

Soon after I got saved I wrote this in my journal:

"I cry for Jesus.
It's that crazy??
I'm crying now.

MY GOD died for me!

I am floored by this God. I have no idea what to do with this God. But God!!! I am so sorry! I know I've done wrong!! But you DON'T CONDEMN ME- why don't you??? I deserve it, GOD! I have no IDEA what I've done to YOU. Even now my brain and my sins RAIL against you even as I TYPE but you do NOT CRUSH ME WITH FLAMING HAIL- WHY NOT???

Oh my Savior- I don't understand your love."

In one night I was completely changed. Everything I used to love, I hated, and everything I used to hate, I loved. The God I spurned became my only hope. Jesus Christ became the most precious thing in my life. Jesus was all I had.

"I want to worship You, Jesus Christ, for in You all things were made, and through You we will be made new.

My Savior, my Christ, my only friend, who do I have on heaven or earth but for You???

Oh my God! My only friend! Please don't pass me by, please come and teach me how to love You better-

I hate my neglect for You, please, oh PLEASE-

I want to love You.

I want to love You more than I want anything!!

God! Please help my little pathetic faith!"

It was so strange to me. I became like the people I mocked, my ideas totally changed, I was a new creature, a totally different person.

"I wrote once that 'squishie christians' were my problem, you know, 'lovey dovey' ones that make God seem "too soft".

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

It's funny cuz I was so stupid and God was so AWESOME.

Haha, I know I said you were wrong and called you idiots but guess what? Now I agree with you but only x10!

it's AWESOME- GOD YOU ARE AWESOME!

GUESS WHAT!

I WAS WRONG!!

I WAS SO DARN FLIPPING DEAD AS A DOORKNOB WRONG!

I AM SO HAPPY I WAS WRONG."

That night I went into that sermon not seeking God, not seeking salvation, not seeking anything; I was just bored! God is so not fair! I know some people seek God for years before they become a Christian, but I wasn't even looking. I went into that sermon thinking I was a Christian, I was totally confident in myself and my 'religion'; but I came out truly converted, and weeping.

I do not enjoy talking about what I was, I surely don't promote it or agree with it anymore. And I KNOW I am not perfect by any means, even though God has saved me, I at times revert back to my old nature and and God-hating self. I am shocked when God revels to me how sinful I truly am. Repentance is something that must by done constantly.

But let me boast in my weakness, so that the Son may be exalted when you know what He has done for me.

So the image of "Repentance" is about a God saving a God-hater; Jesus saving the one who hated Him more than anyone else (which is of course me, that character is a representation of me).
It's a picture of the undeserving rebel being awakened, by God, to know of the love and mercies of God.

Allison